Realizations and Acceptance

I feel like a failure. I'm back in the United States right now after just one week in Israel when I was supposed to be there for a month. I thought I had a well thought out plan- five days on the beach in Tel Aviv, two weeks doing WWOOF on a farm in the Negev, culminating in a week with friends camping and hanging out. Then things started to go wrong even before I left home.

I had a lot of reservations about going on this trip in the first place. I knew I wanted to get out of Boulder and I was excited to pack and leave from my old apartment. But, that was the last time I was excited about leaving on this trip. I am usually highly organized, almost to a fault, but this trip I couldn't get motivated to pack and didn't have anything fully put together until the day before, less than 24 hours before I was going to leave. Highly unusual for someone who usually packs for a big trip a week in advance. 

And then I was super busy the last week before I was supposed to leave. When I thought about the upcoming vacation I was in denial that I was actually leaving, also odd for someone who lives to travel. When Monday finally came to the airport, I drove myself there and it still had not hit me that I was leaving and that it was my choice. 

It wasn't until I was at Ben Gurion waiting for the train to go to Tel Aviv that it hit me, I did not want to be on a trip where I had planned to be by myself for 3/4 of it. It was a really awful feeling considering I planned this, I got on the plane and now I was on the other side of the world. In addition to my nagging feeling of regret, things started to go wrong from there on out. 

The first night in the hostel in the mixed dorm some guy was a major creeper, not only to me, but to the other girl in the dorm offering to get us drunk and give massages. I went to sleep afraid he was going to come into my bed or touch me. I thought I had a plan B though, my Israeli friend had offered me his couch at his place in Tel Aviv, basically around the corner from the hostel. Perfect, I thought! But, then he wasn't there in the morning, he hadn't asked his roommates and I felt super awkward. I looked for hostels and private rooms were really expensive. I decided to go to Jerusalem to stay at a friend's apartment and try to go to the farm early 

But then he didn't have a couch, things were complicated in his life and my presence wasn't helping. I started to consider going home since it seemed like already the last fourth of my trip, the part I was going to have company for, would probably never come into fruition. Since I had already made arrangements to go to the farm I decided to just go hoping it would be better and at least a good two weeks. 

The farm wasn't what I expected though. I wouldn't be working with the animals or the winery, but doing just gardening stuff. There was only one other person that spoke English and without a basis of Hebrew I was struggling big time. I felt super sick on the bus there and at the farm. I knew that I probably needed a different farm, but then all the other ones I tried to contact were full for another week or two. I had a long day of doing nothing on the farm for Shabbat, a whole day of solo thinking time sans electronics, in the middle of nowhere and I realized that I needed to just go home. Nothing was working out as planned and struggling through three more weeks alone, plus spending a bunch of  money on a hostel was not going to be worth it. Changing my ticket ended up being cheaper than sticking it out. 

Horses on the farm, whom I wish was part of the work on the farm

I came home three weeks before I had planned, or more like five months before I planned to be in Denver again. My pride is hurt and I am finding it difficult to reconcile the realization that I am done travelling alone. I enjoyed it most of the time last year, but I think that that phase has ended. I am not done travelling, but I am done taking long solo trips for a long while, maybe for good. I'm working hard on accepting that fact. Were things that bad on my trip? Not really probably, but alone they were amplified. 

Lesson I am taking away from this whole ordeal: listen to your intuition, it's trying to tell you things. I wish I had... It was an expensive lesson to learn. 

At least sunsets were pretty in the Negev on the farm! 

Kindness of Strangers

Along with New Yorkers, Israelis have a bad reputation of being rude and brash. It never bothered me in either place, in New York people are not rude, they're busy, in Israel it's just a part of their culture. In fact, people in both places are quite willing to help you out with where you are and where you need to go. The only problem in Israel is that I didn't speak hebrew which posed a problem when you are not really sure where you are or what's going on exactly. Luckily for me, strangers were really kind in both Tel Aviv and Jerusalem.

After a trip to H&M in Tel Aviv at the Azrieli Center, I was sitting on a bench at a stop for a lot buses that go all over. I wasn't really sure what bus I needed to take, but figured I knew how to get to the beach from the Central Bus station, where I had come from, so it would be best to backtrack and go from there. I was waiting for quite a while and then this woman starts talking (kind of yelling) to me in hebrew and I tried to say "I only speak english", "anglit (the word for english in hebrew)" and the woman just kept talking to me very loudly and quickly. The girl next to me translated for me that the lady wanted to know if I wanted to go to the beach (I did, and was wearing beach attire) and that I should take the bus that was there. "Seshim ve shelosh" she said again, which is 63 (numbers up to 100 are part of the very limited hebrew I knew). I got on the bus just crossing my fingers that I was going to the beach and would recognize where I was at some point. That lady was amazing. She probably saved me an hour of commuting! I don't think I ever properly thanked her since I was so confused about what was happening, but thank you random yelling lady!

The last day I was in Jerusalem I was waiting for a bus to go to the bus station and a lady just handed me her ticket and I stared at it, then stared at her questioningly. She said something in hebrew that I took to mean that there was another ride on the ticket. Sure enough there was and I made I ended up saving 6.40 shekles or about $2 on that trip. Again thank you random lady, sorry for the very confused stare!

This is a lesson that everywhere there are nice people, no matter what the city or the country, even if it might not seem like it. And there is even such a thing as helpful yelling! I wish I could have helped the numerous people that asked me (probably) for directions in hebrew, to which I gave them blank stares. I'm going to have to pay it forward on public transport in Chicago, that is when I learn how to use it.

In my opinion, strangers are pretty great.

My iphone camera really sucks and is not doing the Tel Aviv beach justice at all! 

In Transit: Stupid Americans

I have been lucky to steer clear (generally) of most Americans that fit the negative stereotype of ignorance and laziness. I was, however, unlucky enough to sit next to one on my ten-hour flight from Newark to Tel Aviv. The flight was packed with Christians from Texas and Oklahoma going on pilgrimages to the Holy Land to find the roots of their religions. It makes sense, but I was pretty surprised at the number of über religious christians there were on the flight. There were nearly as many of them as Orthodox and Hassidic Jews.

After being asked to move twice to new seats so that friends and families could sit together, I was squeezed into the window seat (I prefer aisles for long flights and even had to give up one with a free seat next to it) next to a woman from a group of pastors from Oklahoma on a trip to reaffirm their faith and station in the church. Apparently, a typical pastor in the Methodist church only lasts 7 years and these pastors were reaching this expiration and the bishop was attempting to help them stay with the church.

I tend to try and not engage in unnecessary conversation on the plane, it's not that I do not like to talk to strangers, in fact some of them are really interesting. However after last years travels, I've discovered that the interesting ones are generally not the ones that strike up a conversation on the plane. Usually, it's the people I don't want to talk to that have that look in their eye like they want to talk. It's that darting eye, trying to catch your eye contact so that they get the ok to engage another person in conversation. I try to not talk to these people because ten hours straight in a five foot square area is a lot of time to spend with anyone that you do not have a close relationship with or are annoyed with aka most people interested in talking with you about nothing.

I was seated next to one of these darty-eyed women, a pastor from the group described above. I knew from the moment she opened her mouth that her semi-southern accented self and I would probably have differing views on life. Here are some highlights from the conversation between this woman and I on the plane:

1. After some standard getting to know you questions: Her: "Oh so you're moving to Chicago? I don't know why you would do that, that is a big change from Denver. You are going to hate it there, the weather sucks and you will probably get shot if you go to the wrong part of town." [Who gives that kind of response to someone?] 
2. Still getting to know you questions: "You travelled all by yourself for a year? Wow I would never, ever do that. How weird." [I am struggling to portray exactly how this came across, mostly it had a distinct, what's wrong with you tone. As in, you are clearly a crazy person. Thanks for the undesired comments about my lifestyle.]
3. After we are on the plane a while: Her: "What language do you think that guy is speaking?" Me: "He is speaking Hebrew...." Her: "Really? Wow, I thought that was a dead language." "Umm, well that's what they speak in Israel." Trying hard to redeem herself: "Well I speak Spanish, some German, some Greek and a little bit of Arabic and I knew it wasn't one of those..." [Is this woman for real? You seriously are going to a country that you didn't even research enough to see what language they speak there?]
4. During the flight: "Why do you these women have their heads covered in scarfs." "Umm well they're Orthodox Jews..." [Maybe I'm stupid to think that when you know a lot about religion and study it everyday that you are not living in complete ignorance of other religions.]
5. After the Continental's "Welcome to Israel" video where they specified if you were bringing large, importing quantities of electronics you have to go through the "special" immigration line: "I brought some electronics, should I go through that line?" [Clearly this lady has not travelled a lot and who would submit themselves to the special line for having an iPod??]

After the first ten minutes of talking to this woman I knew I really didn't want to talk to her. I tried everything, I was clearly watching movies with head phones on for most of the time I was awake, but that didn't seem to matter to this woman. She would just turn and start commenting to me. She did not get the hint at all, I didn't even think I was being subtle. I am just thankful that I didn't really sleep that much for the two nights prior to leaving and was able to sleep a lot more than usual on the flight.

I hope to steer clear of more women like her during the rest of my time in Israel. At least I should be able to avoid ten hour exposures to such awful people. I know that having a disarming personality will be a huge asset in my career, but it is often a huge pain in the ass in situations like this one. 

View from the coffee shop in Jerusalem that I'm writing from- more on why I am not in Tel Aviv later

(PS my camera died a painful death on NYE last trip, so there will be limited photos this time. My semi-broken iPhone will have to somewhat suffice as long as I can keep it alive.)

Saying Goodbye is the Hardest Part

Two months and not a word on this thing.... It's not that I haven't been doing things or that big things haven't changed. In fact, I got exactly what I wanted, my first choice graduate program! It's not that I haven't been travelling either, I made a quick trip to Seattle and even squeezed in a short camping trip. It's not that I haven't been having fun either, music festivals, baseball games, too many happy hours, a kickball league. I even made the decision to live out of a suitcase again for a month and be homeless to travel around Israel, spend time on the beach, do WWOOF, and hang out in Jerusalem with one of my best friends.

Why haven't a written anything? Because even though I got what I want, I am still mourning the loss of this life, the ability to move around, own nothing, meet new people, pack everything in one bag and live month to month, in the moment. I'm not saying goodbye to just my friends, family and familiarity, but also to a stage of life. The last three years have been tumultuous, stressful, even downright horrendous at times, but they allowed me to do something I always wanted to do, drop everything and travel.

I survived a pretty angsty, roller coaster ride of a quarter life crisis. I'm happy to have it in the past and to have survived, even thrived to come out on the other side with plans, a future career. But, even the scariest roller coasters are fun sometimes, but it's time to get off, get over it and move onto real life.

I own things again, which may not seem like a big deal, but I haven't owned a bed, a desk or a dresser in two years. It's frightening and exciting to give up a nomadic life. For the record, I prefer nomad to bohemian, I'm no hippy.

Saying goodbyes feels more permanent this time, more scary. A good number of friends are doing the same as me this fall, graduate school, law school, medical school, pharmacy school. It means that people are going to be putting roots down somewhere, maybe forever. No longer will everyone live in one place, we're going to have to plan to travel far distances to see one another, maybe only special events, maybe someone will get married and I won't even know their significant other. The whole thing is weird, weirdly awesome.

Everything is about to change and this change has been a long time coming, though I feel more melancholic (you could even use the word sadder) than I thought I would about leaving. I'm bad at goodbyes, especially to people you know you'll never see again, people that you hope you'll see again, people you aren't ready to say goodbye to yet.

Goodbye living out of a suitcase, goodbye Boulder, goodbye to Walnut houses (or Spruce houses), goodbye being within driving distance of friends/family and driving in general, goodbye life as I know it.

Hello rest of my life, I'm ready for you.

Lists: to go, to revisit, to live

Sitting at home with a lack of ability to plan anything of my life, I am thinking about all the places I still want to go someday. Some that I have been and would like to revisit and some that I could actually live in. The lists are in no particular order....

Places I still want to go: 

1. Thailand 
2.  Bali
3. Japan
4. Cuba
5. Argentina
6. Brazil
7. Colombia 
8. Uruguay 
9. Morocco
10. South Africa
11. Sweden
12. Hungary 
13. Jamaica
14. Puerto Rico
15. Kenya
16. Ireland
17. Austria 
18. Costa Rica
19. Iceland
20. Russia
21. Philippines 
22. Egypt

Places to go back to:

1. Chile
2. Greece (islands only) 
3. Germany
4. Canada 
5. France
6. Australia 

Places I would actually live: 

1. Israel
2. Northern European countries - Holland, Germany, Belgium
3. France
4. Chile

These probably don't even encompass all the places I would like to go, and I would definitely be up for going anywhere I was invited. I just know that I'm tired of traveling alone and would rather have shared memories with someone next time I travel. 

Who's up for an adventure? 

Flying, Cooking and Waiting...

Between March 4 and April 9 I took 13 flights, spent time in 6 different airports and spent several nights on couches and in hotels. Last weekend when I arrived home from San Francisco I woke up in the middle of the night and had no idea where I was, then I realized I was in my own bed. Ridiculous.

This was my view a lot last month

One would think that I must have had the most exciting month ever jetting all over, but in reality it was the most stressful month I have lived in a long time. I was flying all over the country for interviews which meant navigating airports, public transit, meeting new people everyday, formulating engaging questions to ask when I had none and wearing a suit all day (uncomfortable). And to top it off these interviews lasted at least 6, and up to 10 hours. It was a crazy whirlwind.

Sculpture in Millenium Park, Chicago

I am glad to have all of my interviews over, but I cannot breathe a sigh of relief yet. Now the time of waiting has commenced. All the schools correlated a day to tell you whether you are accepted, wait listed or denied to their program so decision day is also know as the most stressful day ever.

Since, I lost my job at the pizzeria for having to take too much time off, I have way too much time on my hands to be stressed and think about the future. Instead of sitting around and making myself crazy, I have taken up cooking and baking. I'm pretty sure I am gaining weight, but at least for a few hours a day I feel less stressed and I am becoming quite a good cook!

I have made indian, mexican, israeli, american, italian and vegan dishes. I have been making things I have wanted to do for years, but never had the time to. This week I plan to again make indian food and try my hand at gnocchi. Plus my roommate and I are hosting a brunch this weekend (the day before I find everything out).

I'm trying to turn my time and stress into something productive, but it is only a mild distraction. I can't wait until this is all over and a distant memory. I need to plan more than a menu, like my life.

Until then waiting, waiting, waiting, thinking, waiting....

And if you're hungry this week, please let me know what I can make you!

What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas

I had the most amazing weekend in a place that I didn't expect to like that well. Vegas is a destination in the middle of nowhere that I associated with opulence, excess, and gambling, three things that I don't generally support. I set my expectations pretty low expecting to see too many spring breakers and obese gamblers wasting their lives, trolling for tramps and flushing away their money. Instead, I ended up having one of the best weekend trips I have ever taken.

Two of my girlfriends and I had been discussing going to Vegas since I returned. At the age of 25, I had never been to Vegas old enough to drink or gamble, so I figured it was an experience that one should have in their twenties. When we found out Lady Gaga was to perform in March and we had previously discussed going to Vegas in the spring, it wasn't even a decision, it was an obligation to find tickets and get ourselves to Vegas for the show.

The show, obviously, was amazing, a definite spectacle just as you would expect to see from Lady Gaga. I had high expectations for the show and they were all met. Even our seats were better than I had hoped as we were very high up, but we had a rail in front of us which meant good views and lots of dancing room. Plus we had an excuse to dress-up and look amazing!

Lady Gaga outfits

The following night and days were what surprised me about Vegas. Mostly, that the cliché "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas," seemed to be a saying that people really take to heart there. Never in my life have I been to a bar and had multiple groups of guys offer to buy us drinks and chat us up. It was literally one group after another. One guy even tried to get me to talk to him when I was clearly engaged in conversation with someone else, using a line about his friend needing help to get away from another girl (please, like a boy has ever needed saving from a girl at a bar).

Pick-up line after pick-up line were thrown out. We ended up spending Saturday with some guys from LA who asked my friend to peel an orange for him and feed him a piece on a dare from a friend. Saturday we didn't pay for anything. Over the course of the weekend we were bought food, multiple rounds of drinks (always watched them being made!), cab rides were paid for, drugs were offered (politely declined) and plans were thrown out for the next day.

All of this and what I found the most surprising, not one person ever mentioned, or asked if someone had a significant other. Not once. I don't even think I heard the word boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, husband, partner, fiancé, etc. used ever outside our room. Clearly it didn't matter to anyone what was going on outside the Vegas vortex, the only thing that mattered was that the present was fun and maybe the next day.

I am not stupid to think that these people didn't have one objective in mind for throwing money around. Everyone had their vacation hat on and was on the lookout for a vacation romance aka fast, passionate and short-lived. Everyone knows what the priority is, all I know is that my girlfriends and I didn't spend a penny for a whole day, we stayed safe, and came home every night together. I have never met so many characters in my life or had so many funny stories/inside jokes develop in such a short amount of time. I was throughly entertained all weekend by my surroundings.

I will admit that the boys on the other end of this deal probably had the opposite feeling about the fate of their weekends, since they threw a whole bunch of money at girls who ended up going home and not answering calls and texts the next day. Would I advocate doing this all the time in my life? No. But does it happen all the time? No. Would I want to spend more than a weekend in Vegas? Definitely no.

But as you know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

One of our favorite bars in the Cosmopolitan Hotel